Happy patty day.
well, I need to file my previous post in archives as quickly as possible, and the best way to do that is by blogging more.
I swear I'm not always that angry.
Updates. I am carrying on with my project, I am feeling inspired by it, though I am behind in work for it--and barely sleeping as it is. I think I've counted 5 shows that I'm working on, currently. Beauty and the Beast (Ipswich), Aladdin (Salem), The Sky is Large (Cassie's), Doubt (Kim's), and mine. This is not including my other jobs either, which is hilarious.
Also two of my greatest friends are getting married (to each other!!) in less than three weeks. I can hardly believe this. I also get to make cupcakes for the reception, woo!!!! I am beyond excited.
I started working at Atomic again, which is a lovely break from my other work. I really love it again already.
Oh! I'm growing out my hair. Hello, two year relationship with the locks. It's going to be a long time before I like it again, I'm sure. But I feel like, by telling everyone, I will hold myself accountable for it. Because it's time for a change. It's been short for so many years, I kind of want something different.
Dido has moved back in, right now she's sitting on the couch arm, staring wide-eyed into the distance like a Sphinx.
Which brings us to: I have a couch now. A real couch, so comfortable! You can lie down on it (fully! well, I can), and it pulls out to a bed. Yes! And a coffee table. So now I think I am an adult.
I'm going to see Gotye in two weeks! And Kimbra! HOLY MOTHER, this is so exciting. I got tickets for Christmas (thanks dad!). Great present!
Let's see... re-reading Hunger Games already (THEY ARE SO GOOD), anticipating the movie coming out this month.
anything else I think of is seriously boring, so I'll stop there.
singing Prince Ali,
B
and there was evening and morning.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
ranty rant
so many things in my head. I feel like every time there's something overwhelming that I can't seem to talk to anyone about, I need to write it down somewhere before I implode a little bit. And so here we are.
I'm just getting so sick of trying to please people that don't want to be pleased by me--who could give a shit to care about what I'm interested in and what I'm working on, how I feel or who I am. And these people claim to be my friends. Friends to a degree. But then the test comes. A project that I want to do, that I need support in, and suddenly, who's there? Not those people. People I KNOW are not good people to rely on, whom I shouldn't care about. But people who I'm trying to impress, whose relationship I don't feel confident in, that I'm always behind in coolness, in spunk, in humor, in thinness, in whatever. In ability. In creative skill. In attention.
And then it comes out. ATTENTION. Do I need to be the center of attention? The more I explore this, all the more and louder the young girl inside me is yelling SI SEÑORITA. I don't like this. I don't like that this is a need that I have, harboring deep inside me.
But I guess this is what drives a part of me that is an actor. The part that makes being an actor possible. I want to be seen. To be heard. To be listened to. To be trusted.
But even in the theatre, especially the theatre, recently--I've been feeling less than satisfactory--not making enough waves to be noticed by the right kinds of people AND WHY IS THAT?! I know that these people are not worth my time like this! I know this. And the shittiest part? Most of them are men. Or stupid jealousy of the women who have the attention of the men. I wish it was different, but it's true. And I fucking hate that shit. I fucking hate it.
pardon that, please. it's my angsty teen feminist-- also harboring.
THEY'RE ALL COMING UP TOGETHER in the spring-like weather
because when it rains, it pours, baby.
But why, even after my logical self has gone through the list of people who do trust in me, who do believe in my art, who do support me--DO I STILL CRAVE THE ATTENTION OF THOSE WHO I DO NOT GET IT FROM. WHY. It pisses me off.
even when I say, FORGET you guys; still the little girl is pouting.
And I get mad. In the past, it's lead me to depression. And though I still feel that tug, right now my response is anger and extreme disappointment.
Because you know what? those guys are all immature little dicks.
and I'll be fine without them.
I just, need to figure out how to live past this.
I'm just getting so sick of trying to please people that don't want to be pleased by me--who could give a shit to care about what I'm interested in and what I'm working on, how I feel or who I am. And these people claim to be my friends. Friends to a degree. But then the test comes. A project that I want to do, that I need support in, and suddenly, who's there? Not those people. People I KNOW are not good people to rely on, whom I shouldn't care about. But people who I'm trying to impress, whose relationship I don't feel confident in, that I'm always behind in coolness, in spunk, in humor, in thinness, in whatever. In ability. In creative skill. In attention.
And then it comes out. ATTENTION. Do I need to be the center of attention? The more I explore this, all the more and louder the young girl inside me is yelling SI SEÑORITA. I don't like this. I don't like that this is a need that I have, harboring deep inside me.
But I guess this is what drives a part of me that is an actor. The part that makes being an actor possible. I want to be seen. To be heard. To be listened to. To be trusted.
But even in the theatre, especially the theatre, recently--I've been feeling less than satisfactory--not making enough waves to be noticed by the right kinds of people AND WHY IS THAT?! I know that these people are not worth my time like this! I know this. And the shittiest part? Most of them are men. Or stupid jealousy of the women who have the attention of the men. I wish it was different, but it's true. And I fucking hate that shit. I fucking hate it.
pardon that, please. it's my angsty teen feminist-- also harboring.
THEY'RE ALL COMING UP TOGETHER in the spring-like weather
because when it rains, it pours, baby.
But why, even after my logical self has gone through the list of people who do trust in me, who do believe in my art, who do support me--DO I STILL CRAVE THE ATTENTION OF THOSE WHO I DO NOT GET IT FROM. WHY. It pisses me off.
even when I say, FORGET you guys; still the little girl is pouting.
And I get mad. In the past, it's lead me to depression. And though I still feel that tug, right now my response is anger and extreme disappointment.
Because you know what? those guys are all immature little dicks.
and I'll be fine without them.
I just, need to figure out how to live past this.
Monday, November 7, 2011
need inspiration
So I'm back from new york, singing the praises of Sleep No More, the Hungarian Cafe, the Brooklyn Flea, dear friends, and carafes of wine. Thank you, all.
I've unofficially begun a 'city tour' that will hopefully inspire me towards a goal for the future. I'm startign to realize that my inspiration has run a bit dry here in Beverly; I need change, I need new sights, new challenges. It's getting too easy to sit in my bed and browse Facebook or whatever. My art is lacking, I feel, just, dry. Not totally dry, but approaching dry. The fact that I can see and recognize it for what it is-- is at least a good thing. We're going to Chicago for Thanksgiving; which I'm super pumped about. We're hopefully meeting up with a theatre group there called Barrel of Monkeys; and I want to check out the theatre scene. Improv Capital. And then after that, Philly at some point; maybe before Christmas.
So I will stick around until June; the lease is up then, also I need to finish one. last. class.
but then, I think I'm out of here.
It is not good riddance. No. I don't have harsh feelings towards this place; in fact I love it. I love a lot of people here. My dearest friends are here (though they're starting to spread out--helping feed my need to leave, I think). My family is close by; my baby nephew is growing up so much between my fairly frequent visits. My grandmother is growing older. How can I leave? I don't know.
In other news, the show was GREAT (I should log away the idea that I'm in post-show depression right now. adding to the dryness) and I really do miss Jane now that she's gone. She hasn't really come back to visit yet, but I'm still running lines in my head from force of habit (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep.) The show had a really good response, and I am very pleased. I do wish more pople had been able to come--we had only about 3 full houses in our run (this is unusual for us, as of late), but it was an unknown show, not a musical, and the PR wasn't that great. Oh well. We fully enjoyed every performance and every audience member who came out. thank you, everyone, for the fun and the laughter!
I've unofficially begun a 'city tour' that will hopefully inspire me towards a goal for the future. I'm startign to realize that my inspiration has run a bit dry here in Beverly; I need change, I need new sights, new challenges. It's getting too easy to sit in my bed and browse Facebook or whatever. My art is lacking, I feel, just, dry. Not totally dry, but approaching dry. The fact that I can see and recognize it for what it is-- is at least a good thing. We're going to Chicago for Thanksgiving; which I'm super pumped about. We're hopefully meeting up with a theatre group there called Barrel of Monkeys; and I want to check out the theatre scene. Improv Capital. And then after that, Philly at some point; maybe before Christmas.
So I will stick around until June; the lease is up then, also I need to finish one. last. class.
but then, I think I'm out of here.
It is not good riddance. No. I don't have harsh feelings towards this place; in fact I love it. I love a lot of people here. My dearest friends are here (though they're starting to spread out--helping feed my need to leave, I think). My family is close by; my baby nephew is growing up so much between my fairly frequent visits. My grandmother is growing older. How can I leave? I don't know.
In other news, the show was GREAT (I should log away the idea that I'm in post-show depression right now. adding to the dryness) and I really do miss Jane now that she's gone. She hasn't really come back to visit yet, but I'm still running lines in my head from force of habit (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep.) The show had a really good response, and I am very pleased. I do wish more pople had been able to come--we had only about 3 full houses in our run (this is unusual for us, as of late), but it was an unknown show, not a musical, and the PR wasn't that great. Oh well. We fully enjoyed every performance and every audience member who came out. thank you, everyone, for the fun and the laughter!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
timid hello
okay so hi. It's fall out there and I'm roasting squash and finishing emails and things before work and rehearsal. I'm thinking about projects I have started, yet to start, thinking of starting; rolling up the cuff on my jeans, stepping on the cat's tail by accident, making coffee. This computer is humming loudly and growing very warm to the touch. There are way too many dirty dishes next to my bed. Speaking of projects, I want to paint my room; I'm feeling something between pistachio and olive drab. chartruese. or an orange ochre would be fantastic. it needs something. It also might help to put away the boxes finally.
Small discoveries is where it's at. Yesterday I discovered that my apartment key also works to open the building's front door. Who knew? I only needed on key.
or, the really beautiful things that people say when you ask questions and really listen.
how nice it is to ask for help.
how delicious Darcy's chili was the other night.
holy sugar, it was good!
even discovering that we're out of toliet paper. you know, you have to thank god for these times.
In other news, I've been to Europe and back since the last post. Oh, you know. Just went to see a bunch of theatre in London adn Edinburgh. Just went to the Fringe Festival in the coolest city ever. No huge deal, I just saw theatre that CHANGED MY LIFE. Ugh. It was incredible. I'm still recovering, and that was the end of August. But someone told me a couple days ago that I shouldn't recover. I shouldn't recover. And I realized, yes. This is truth.
In other news, my ex-landlord is being awesome and witholding lots of money from us. awesome.
In other news, we haev a new roommate. she's great! and her cat is adorbs.
In other news, I'm in a show at Gordon about Jane Austen and her writing of Pride and Prejudice (and the characters who appear in the middle of her life and makes waves that she is not expecting!). And while it may not be everyone's cup of tea, it is going to be a really good show. And I promise that if you come you will not leave disappointed. It's called Lizzy, Darcy, and Jane; we're doing the American premeire, and we open Oct 21. here's more info, if the spirit leads: http://www.gordon.edu/theatreschedule
in other news, I must dash off the stir the squash.
love all.
Small discoveries is where it's at. Yesterday I discovered that my apartment key also works to open the building's front door. Who knew? I only needed on key.
or, the really beautiful things that people say when you ask questions and really listen.
how nice it is to ask for help.
how delicious Darcy's chili was the other night.
holy sugar, it was good!
even discovering that we're out of toliet paper. you know, you have to thank god for these times.
In other news, I've been to Europe and back since the last post. Oh, you know. Just went to see a bunch of theatre in London adn Edinburgh. Just went to the Fringe Festival in the coolest city ever. No huge deal, I just saw theatre that CHANGED MY LIFE. Ugh. It was incredible. I'm still recovering, and that was the end of August. But someone told me a couple days ago that I shouldn't recover. I shouldn't recover. And I realized, yes. This is truth.
In other news, my ex-landlord is being awesome and witholding lots of money from us. awesome.
In other news, we haev a new roommate. she's great! and her cat is adorbs.
In other news, I'm in a show at Gordon about Jane Austen and her writing of Pride and Prejudice (and the characters who appear in the middle of her life and makes waves that she is not expecting!). And while it may not be everyone's cup of tea, it is going to be a really good show. And I promise that if you come you will not leave disappointed. It's called Lizzy, Darcy, and Jane; we're doing the American premeire, and we open Oct 21. here's more info, if the spirit leads: http://www.gordon.edu/theatreschedule
in other news, I must dash off the stir the squash.
love all.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
let's go camping.
and wake up and boil water
and make tea.
I'm thinking of being smaller, simpler--
wearing oshkosh overalls!
prancing in circles and making weird sounds!
crumply blonde hair. kissing worms,
running
and not getting tired!
and make tea.
I'm thinking of being smaller, simpler--
wearing oshkosh overalls!
prancing in circles and making weird sounds!
crumply blonde hair. kissing worms,
running
and not getting tired!
Monday, April 18, 2011
this is what trying to catch up looks like
it looks like
me sitting at my computer, staring at a screen
walking through my dark cluttered room to turn on the lamp since the overhead exploded two weeks ago.
like my electric blue bathrobe.
like toast for every meal.
like quitting one of my jobs because I need a weekend
the gaslight perpetually on
tired droopy eyes
unpaid rent
laughing weirdly
it sounds like
two door cinema club, lets make this happen girl we're gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you
my car starting,
my car stopping.
the neighbors yelling at their children, or their dog.
it feels like
the handle of the kitchen faucet breaking off in my hand
a kitchen flash flood. water. everywhere.
that post-show letdown kind of, but confused.
will I ever actually start?
it smells like
wet laundry and cat litter
altoids
old coffee,
my jasmine candle
me sitting at my computer, staring at a screen
walking through my dark cluttered room to turn on the lamp since the overhead exploded two weeks ago.
like my electric blue bathrobe.
like toast for every meal.
like quitting one of my jobs because I need a weekend
the gaslight perpetually on
tired droopy eyes
unpaid rent
laughing weirdly
it sounds like
two door cinema club, lets make this happen girl we're gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you
my car starting,
my car stopping.
the neighbors yelling at their children, or their dog.
it feels like
the handle of the kitchen faucet breaking off in my hand
a kitchen flash flood. water. everywhere.
that post-show letdown kind of, but confused.
will I ever actually start?
it smells like
wet laundry and cat litter
altoids
old coffee,
my jasmine candle
Monday, March 21, 2011
I need to get a grip.
As in, stop dwelling in the sadnesses of now, and realize the big world of beauty out there.
I just need to find them, right? The beauties.
It's hard though, with the world just going to shit.
But in the middle of feeling inadequate and inconsequential and awkward, good things happen.
Two pieces of great great news came to me today. I cried from happiness. Well, it's mostly just overflowing emotion that has no other way of coming out. This happens to me quite often.
I worked in the theater, got some things accomplished.
Had a delightfully unexpected conversation with someone new.
I want to go and move and be free, but I'm running in a circle. Being somewhere else will not fix all of my problems like I foresee it to. I find myself reading and searching grad schools in New York a lot recently with the "if only I was graduated" gremlin. He/She gremlin has been hanging out in my life often as of late. We don't get along much.
but I need to accept where I am and who I am now. Finish my editing, work on my research, read, dedicate myself to people.
I can't tell if I've lost my interest in reading. I just don't feel like doing it right now. Right now meaning: ever, recently. I don't know. I'm in a doing phase of life. Reaction to Oregon? Perhaps.
I just need to find them, right? The beauties.
It's hard though, with the world just going to shit.
But in the middle of feeling inadequate and inconsequential and awkward, good things happen.
Two pieces of great great news came to me today. I cried from happiness. Well, it's mostly just overflowing emotion that has no other way of coming out. This happens to me quite often.
I worked in the theater, got some things accomplished.
Had a delightfully unexpected conversation with someone new.
I want to go and move and be free, but I'm running in a circle. Being somewhere else will not fix all of my problems like I foresee it to. I find myself reading and searching grad schools in New York a lot recently with the "if only I was graduated" gremlin. He/She gremlin has been hanging out in my life often as of late. We don't get along much.
but I need to accept where I am and who I am now. Finish my editing, work on my research, read, dedicate myself to people.
I can't tell if I've lost my interest in reading. I just don't feel like doing it right now. Right now meaning: ever, recently. I don't know. I'm in a doing phase of life. Reaction to Oregon? Perhaps.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Speechless.
I just read a facebook conversation concerning gay marriage and I am in shock. Just, shaking my head...
I had a few realizations:
Firstly. It is so crazy to me that these kind of conversations happen on a Facebook status. To be expected I suppose.
Secondly. I am surprised and so shocked when I realize that there are so many people in this world who see the world so differently than I do. I almost forget this sometimes. I just figure everyone is at the same level. I'm like, "aren't we DONE with this one?!?!"
Thirdly. There are a lot of people who clearly don't personally know anyone who is gay.
Fourthly. That I have a hard time respecting people who say rampantly inappropriate, close-minded, unintelligent and offensive things. My natural response progression is to be angry, then disgusted, then feel bad for them for being so close-minded, and then I want to walk away and give up trying to argue. If I even argue at all.
Fifthly. I have much respect for people who can engage in this kind of conversation. I would truly struggle. I get too angry.
oh my word.
I had a few realizations:
Firstly. It is so crazy to me that these kind of conversations happen on a Facebook status. To be expected I suppose.
Secondly. I am surprised and so shocked when I realize that there are so many people in this world who see the world so differently than I do. I almost forget this sometimes. I just figure everyone is at the same level. I'm like, "aren't we DONE with this one?!?!"
Thirdly. There are a lot of people who clearly don't personally know anyone who is gay.
Fourthly. That I have a hard time respecting people who say rampantly inappropriate, close-minded, unintelligent and offensive things. My natural response progression is to be angry, then disgusted, then feel bad for them for being so close-minded, and then I want to walk away and give up trying to argue. If I even argue at all.
Fifthly. I have much respect for people who can engage in this kind of conversation. I would truly struggle. I get too angry.
oh my word.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Brunch Dance Universe
I can deal with life right now I think.
Five steps to recovery:
1. Wake up and wash your face.
2. Morning yoga and loud breathing.
3. Make and eat a huge breakfast (only breakfast this week??!) with good people!
4. Then, when your kitchen magically turns into a DANCE CLUB, connect with the dance universe for a while.
5. Cool down music with Ray Lamontagne and First Aid Kit.
Five steps to recovery:
1. Wake up and wash your face.
2. Morning yoga and loud breathing.
3. Make and eat a huge breakfast (only breakfast this week??!) with good people!
4. Then, when your kitchen magically turns into a DANCE CLUB, connect with the dance universe for a while.
5. Cool down music with Ray Lamontagne and First Aid Kit.
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