And no words make it palpable in the way that I want for anyone to understand- it always seems to be taken in the wrong way. I don't know where it came from, or why I seem to be such an oddity.
It is the pain when I see women being strung out in a disgustingly perverse and constricting social construct. All that is fancy words.
When you are placed into a small box and told to fill that square, and only that square. When someone tells you don't gain one pound, you're perfect where you are. When a man has control over your actions and decisions, and you feel helpless. When that person says "size six is perfect for you". When you are uncomfortable to the point of saying yes even if you want to say no. When you continue to believe that this perfect hair, skin, makeup, clothes, body will make you more desirable, appropriate, actually beautiful.
And no one seems to understand my anger at these things. I feel so misunderstood when I show my anger-- it seems to be rejected by the people for which I am angry. I am angry when you say you need to be sexy for him. I am angry when you couldn't say no to an uncomfortable discussion or car ride. I am angry when the re-touched photo is the one getting every comment; the one used to say "you're beautiful inside AND out". What is she supposed to believe? When we all buy into this ourselves?
And the most and only times I am complimented by men is when I have make-up on, and it's usually a comment like "are you wearing make-up? you look beautiful." WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. And why am I the only one that seems to see this? I'm so godddamn sick of women telling each other that this "model" body that you are up-keeping for the few months it's physically possible is the most beautiful they've ever been? WHY do we use THIS picture to say "you're beautiful inside AND out"? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE BY THAT? Why do we continue this?
Why are we conditioned this way? and why the hell can't anyone say no? SAY NO. SAY NO, DAMN IT.
And I want to empower women. I am so sickened by this moment of subversion and construction- when strong women feel they don't have the power to say no when they are in an uncomfortable situation. When women I love continue to subvert themselves to the will of a man; I barely have words.
AH why is it so hard to say no? I'm so mad at these women for continuing it onto themselves! It is an anger that I want people to understand- towards the inaction, not the person! DO something, damn it. do something. stop talking in a softer, sweeter voice when he's on the phone. stop hoping that he thinks you're hot. stop straightening your hair. stop buying cute underwear. and all of this doesn't make enough sense when it's outside my brain for anyone to agree.
"Why should I stop buying cute underwear? It's for me. I like feeling sexy when no one else knows."
IT IS ALL A CONSTRUCT, DAMNIT. I'M SO GODDAMN SICK OF IT. And I know I'm not better than all of this. I care about my body, my hair, my clothes, the attention I get from men.
But I want to subvert the patriarchy and the culture too;
I don't WANT to remain under this pressure and construct. And I think it's taken by these women as me being up on my pedestal or something- which I don't want to be.
And my anger is rejected by these women so often; misunderstood and taken as an attack on them personally-- even though it is AT THE SYSTEM that I am PISSED OFF. I am so goddamn sick of it.
I want you to be able to say no. I want you to think that picture you hate of you is beautiful.
I barely have any words to describe this. I barely have words.
5 comments:
The question is how to destroy the construct without destroying those who live in and by it.
I've actually been thinking alot about beauty, and how this culture defines it; chopping my hair is part of the processing. Because I get angry with myself when I find that I'm agreeing with those things: thinking the more slender person is more attractive, liking symmetry and balance instead of appreciating the oddities and exuberant difference.
And when you can tell if a woman is talking to another woman or a man JUST BY HER TONE OF VOICE? Makes me angry too. It's all fake, superficial, as if to BE isn't enough - we have to be SOMETHING.
Thanks for posting this.
~Suzanne
Bekah,
As you know, I empathize with the feelings that come along with being told "Don't gain one more pound." And I empathize with the feelings of posting a picture on facebook that receives accolades I would never personally receive because on regular days my skin does not look that clear and smooth.
But here are a couple of things I want to address.
Anger is hardly ever well received. Minorities in this country have every right to be angry at the majority for the way it has affected their opportunities. But if one of them came to you in anger what would you do? Anger leaves no room for dialogue. It is one-sided and does not allow the other side to explain themselves or to find forgiveness.
I am a strong ass woman. Always have been, as I told you the other night. Never needed a man. Did not have a man in my household. Fixed the VCR when it was broken, built my own doll house. I've always been talked about by my guy friends with respect. I do not feel incompetent as a woman. But I am tired of being the strong ass woman who doesn't ever need a man's affirmation. I'm ok with the fact that a man's affirmation is something I benefit from, especially since my dad was not there to give it to me. And I do not want to be the subject of judgment because that is my need. And your anger will not help engage that fact. It will only shut it down.
My advice is that you channel that anger into a question: Why do these women feel the need to gain affirmation from a man? And have you ever been there? Is there any part of you that can understand that sentiment? And if so, where do we go from here. Start at the place of compassion and justice will follow. (I learned this in my journey with regards to race, I believe it can apply to gender too). In the words of Desmond Tutu in post-Apartheid South Africa: "There is no future without forgiveness"
Annery, thank you for your words and thoughts. I agree with you in so many ways, and nothing I write is ever meant to hurt or belittle, and especially no one specifically. I want to respond so as to perhaps better explain myself, as I have failed before...
One thing is that this post was a stream of consciousness crap-shoot, that does not accurately explain my standing on the issue (obviously.). We agree and are on the same page as to the way of dealing with this "anger" that I'm talking about: through compassion and active questions, as you mentioned.
Another is that this word, "anger", does not rightly define what it is that I am trying to define. That is so aggravating. But really it's the closest physical/chemical feeling that I can relate the experience to. But "anger" is just not the right word- like I mentioned in the conversation we had about this whole thing. It has baggage to it, negative connotations, obviously. Which is not what I'm trying to explain. So, bad on my part.
And thirdly, after thinking about this for longer, I've been thinking about how the "anger" or whatever the hell it is, really isn't at any person or even a group of people (though I mentioned in the post being angry at the 'patriarchy' and at 'women', both of which are really incorrectly stated...agh),
but rather at the state of the world.
The fact that the world is this way. And that there is little or nothing that any individual has to do with the whole of the paradigm- a twisted paradigm. That angers me: that we are all caught in this paradigm that twists and tortures; the subversion of women being one subset.
And I'm not mad at a woman for thinking they need or want affirmation. That absolutely isn't the point of my thought. And it is not that we don't need men, because we can fix our own VCR. It's more that I am deeply angry (again, ah) with the state of things- that women are EVER put into places or situations where they can't say no (sexual harassment happens ALL the time), or that social structures break young girls down into eating disorders and suicide. It's scares me, so badly.
And I agree completely with how to go about dealing with these feelings- and that anger is never well-received. I would never show anger at a person for these things- I am not angry at a woman for being sexually harassed, obviously. I'm angry that it is possible in this world that that can even happen; as everyone should be. And I really didn't- and haven't- explained myself properly on this account, obviously, since you responded so emphatically. But I hope you know from your experience of me, that I am not an angry person. And we talking about this a bit, misconceptions of the whole thing.
I'm not at a place where I am judging specific women (and if I am, I'm really trying not to), but more of inspecting the state of the earth. And, yes, engaging women where they are is great- and I probably need to be better at how I show this, and channel my reaction better and fine-tune it so as not to be misunderstood. Because I really love people, and I am sad that we are all screwed up. I don't know. It's the same sort of anger-y feeling that I feel about racial things. It's like, I have this idea in my head of the way things should be- no racism- and I am angry at the way things really are; racism still exists. and of course, the best way to deal with it is through forgiveness, as you quoted. I absolutely agree with you there.
I really hope that this clears up some things, it really hurt me to read what you wrote and know that I didn't do a good job explaining myself. I shouldn't post things that fresh off my stupid head next time. Let it cool off and re-think and re-read and try to hone things. I don't want to hurt, there is so much hurt already.
I also would like to mention quick that most of this post was in response to not you and situations or whatever that we've discussed- but rather something else that I can't post explicitly on the internet. I really don't want you to read it that way, because it can seem offensive if you take it that way. Ask me in person and I can talk more.
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