And no words make it palpable in the way that I want for anyone to understand- it always seems to be taken in the wrong way. I don't know where it came from, or why I seem to be such an oddity.
It is the pain when I see women being strung out in a disgustingly perverse and constricting social construct. All that is fancy words.
When you are placed into a small box and told to fill that square, and only that square. When someone tells you don't gain one pound, you're perfect where you are. When a man has control over your actions and decisions, and you feel helpless. When that person says "size six is perfect for you". When you are uncomfortable to the point of saying yes even if you want to say no. When you continue to believe that this perfect hair, skin, makeup, clothes, body will make you more desirable, appropriate, actually beautiful.
And no one seems to understand my anger at these things. I feel so misunderstood when I show my anger-- it seems to be rejected by the people for which I am angry. I am angry when you say you need to be sexy for him. I am angry when you couldn't say no to an uncomfortable discussion or car ride. I am angry when the re-touched photo is the one getting every comment; the one used to say "you're beautiful inside AND out". What is she supposed to believe? When we all buy into this ourselves?
And the most and only times I am complimented by men is when I have make-up on, and it's usually a comment like "are you wearing make-up? you look beautiful." WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. And why am I the only one that seems to see this? I'm so godddamn sick of women telling each other that this "model" body that you are up-keeping for the few months it's physically possible is the most beautiful they've ever been? WHY do we use THIS picture to say "you're beautiful inside AND out"? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE BY THAT? Why do we continue this?
Why are we conditioned this way? and why the hell can't anyone say no? SAY NO. SAY NO, DAMN IT.
And I want to empower women. I am so sickened by this moment of subversion and construction- when strong women feel they don't have the power to say no when they are in an uncomfortable situation. When women I love continue to subvert themselves to the will of a man; I barely have words.
AH why is it so hard to say no? I'm so mad at these women for continuing it onto themselves! It is an anger that I want people to understand- towards the inaction, not the person! DO something, damn it. do something. stop talking in a softer, sweeter voice when he's on the phone. stop hoping that he thinks you're hot. stop straightening your hair. stop buying cute underwear. and all of this doesn't make enough sense when it's outside my brain for anyone to agree.
"Why should I stop buying cute underwear? It's for me. I like feeling sexy when no one else knows."
IT IS ALL A CONSTRUCT, DAMNIT. I'M SO GODDAMN SICK OF IT. And I know I'm not better than all of this. I care about my body, my hair, my clothes, the attention I get from men.
But I want to subvert the patriarchy and the culture too;
I don't WANT to remain under this pressure and construct. And I think it's taken by these women as me being up on my pedestal or something- which I don't want to be.
And my anger is rejected by these women so often; misunderstood and taken as an attack on them personally-- even though it is AT THE SYSTEM that I am PISSED OFF. I am so goddamn sick of it.
I want you to be able to say no. I want you to think that picture you hate of you is beautiful.
I barely have any words to describe this. I barely have words.
