timid hello

okay so hi. It's fall out there and I'm roasting squash and finishing emails and things before work and rehearsal. I'm thinking about projects I have started, yet to start, thinking of starting; rolling up the cuff on my jeans, stepping on the cat's tail by accident, making coffee. This computer is humming loudly and growing very warm to the touch. There are way too many dirty dishes next to my bed. Speaking of projects, I want to paint my room; I'm feeling something between pistachio and olive drab. chartruese. or an orange ochre would be fantastic. it needs something. It also might help to put away the boxes finally.

Small discoveries is where it's at. Yesterday I discovered that my apartment key also works to open the building's front door. Who knew? I only needed on key.
or, the really beautiful things that people say when you ask questions and really listen.
how nice it is to ask for help.
how delicious Darcy's chili was the other night.
holy sugar, it was good!
even discovering that we're out of toliet paper. you know, you have to thank god for these times.

In other news, I've been to Europe and back since the last post. Oh, you know. Just went to see a bunch of theatre in London adn Edinburgh. Just went to the Fringe Festival in the coolest city ever. No huge deal, I just saw theatre that CHANGED MY LIFE. Ugh. It was incredible. I'm still recovering, and that was the end of August. But someone told me a couple days ago that I shouldn't recover. I shouldn't recover. And I realized, yes. This is truth.

In other news, my ex-landlord is being awesome and witholding lots of money from us. awesome.

In other news, we haev a new roommate. she's great! and her cat is adorbs.

In other news, I'm in a show at Gordon about Jane Austen and her writing of Pride and Prejudice (and the characters who appear in the middle of her life and makes waves that she is not expecting!). And while it may not be everyone's cup of tea, it is going to be a really good show. And I promise that if you come you will not leave disappointed. It's called Lizzy, Darcy, and Jane; we're doing the American premeire, and we open Oct 21. here's more info, if the spirit leads: http://www.gordon.edu/theatreschedule

in other news, I must dash off the stir the squash.

love all.

let's go camping.

and wake up and boil water
and make tea.

I'm thinking of being smaller, simpler--
wearing oshkosh overalls!
prancing in circles and making weird sounds!
crumply blonde hair. kissing worms,
running
and not getting tired!

this is what trying to catch up looks like

it looks like
me sitting at my computer, staring at a screen
walking through my dark cluttered room to turn on the lamp since the overhead exploded two weeks ago.
like my electric blue bathrobe.
like toast for every meal.
like quitting one of my jobs because I need a weekend
the gaslight perpetually on
tired droopy eyes
unpaid rent
laughing weirdly

it sounds like
two door cinema club, lets make this happen girl we're gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you
my car starting,
my car stopping.
the neighbors yelling at their children, or their dog.

it feels like
the handle of the kitchen faucet breaking off in my hand
a kitchen flash flood. water. everywhere.
that post-show letdown kind of, but confused.
will I ever actually start?

it smells like
wet laundry and cat litter
altoids
old coffee,
my jasmine candle

I need to get a grip.

As in, stop dwelling in the sadnesses of now, and realize the big world of beauty out there.
I just need to find them, right? The beauties.

It's hard though, with the world just going to shit.

But in the middle of feeling inadequate and inconsequential and awkward, good things happen.
Two pieces of great great news came to me today. I cried from happiness. Well, it's mostly just overflowing emotion that has no other way of coming out. This happens to me quite often.
I worked in the theater, got some things accomplished.
Had a delightfully unexpected conversation with someone new.

I want to go and move and be free, but I'm running in a circle. Being somewhere else will not fix all of my problems like I foresee it to. I find myself reading and searching grad schools in New York a lot recently with the "if only I was graduated" gremlin. He/She gremlin has been hanging out in my life often as of late. We don't get along much.

but I need to accept where I am and who I am now. Finish my editing, work on my research, read, dedicate myself to people.

I can't tell if I've lost my interest in reading. I just don't feel like doing it right now. Right now meaning: ever, recently. I don't know. I'm in a doing phase of life. Reaction to Oregon? Perhaps.

And there'll be sun sun sun all over our bodies

WHY GREY SKY, WHY?


I defy you.

Speechless.

I just read a facebook conversation concerning gay marriage and I am in shock. Just, shaking my head...

I had a few realizations:

Firstly. It is so crazy to me that these kind of conversations happen on a Facebook status. To be expected I suppose.

Secondly. I am surprised and so shocked when I realize that there are so many people in this world who see the world so differently than I do. I almost forget this sometimes. I just figure everyone is at the same level. I'm like, "aren't we DONE with this one?!?!"

Thirdly. There are a lot of people who clearly don't personally know anyone who is gay.

Fourthly. That I have a hard time respecting people who say rampantly inappropriate, close-minded, unintelligent and offensive things. My natural response progression is to be angry, then disgusted, then feel bad for them for being so close-minded, and then I want to walk away and give up trying to argue. If I even argue at all.

Fifthly. I have much respect for people who can engage in this kind of conversation. I would truly struggle. I get too angry.

oh my word.

Brunch Dance Universe

I can deal with life right now I think.

Five steps to recovery:

1. Wake up and wash your face.
2. Morning yoga and loud breathing.
3. Make and eat a huge breakfast (only breakfast this week??!) with good people!
4. Then, when your kitchen magically turns into a DANCE CLUB, connect with the dance universe for a while.
5. Cool down music with Ray Lamontagne and First Aid Kit.

AH, and how Logic is my Prozzy.

How will I ever make it through this day.

this is my twitter-esque update. more to come. if I actually do end up making it through.

-------------------

made it. barely. Logic? Why did I decide I should take you? I like you but we can't be together at this time, I don't have enough room in my head for both of us right now. We should break up.
...I'm paying for you? ...We have a 4 month-long relationship agreement?

what have I done?

what a day.

Now that I am officially behind in everything, I can drink a soda AND a red bull at work and stay awake to all hours catching up!

I have 3 papers to finish, calculus homework, a scene to memorize, logic homework and exam this week, editor responsibilities to start actually doing, and other paperwork I can't seem to stay on top of.

So, wish me luck, pray for me, what have you. This will be a night of remembrance.



I'm looking forward to the day when my life/updates are not solely influenced by schoolwork.

eye twitching.

it's been twitching for hours. I have no idea how to make it stop other than sleeping, which I need to embark on shortly.

I have accomplished 10% of my plan for the day.

okay, maybe 20%. I did get a few emails out.

But I still need to wake up early and do calculus and read a play. And memorize lines.

Why did I think I could balance all of this?

It's almost Spring Break.

Whatever that means. I won't be breaking. I have two projects to be figuring out over the course of that week. Along with work...

I need to pay rent. It seems unfair that February ends so quickly and I'm already behind in March.

I won't be having a weekend this weekend.

at least my room is clean, and I have a jasmine candle burning and I finished my Logic homework and quiz in time, though I think it has a great deal to do with the eye twitching phenomenon.

I really enjoy the moment after you take off your glasses, see how dirty they have become, wipe them clean, and then put them back on. EVERYTHING IS SO CLEAR?!?!
It's the little things.

the tautology rule: P may be replaced with P v P
the distribution rule: P v (Q & R) is equivalent to (P v Q) & (P v R)

yes, sweet dreams tonight..