ranty rant

so many things in my head. I feel like every time there's something overwhelming that I can't seem to talk to anyone about, I need to write it down somewhere before I implode a little bit. And so here we are.
I'm just getting so sick of trying to please people that don't want to be pleased by me--who could give a shit to care about what I'm interested in and what I'm working on, how I feel or who I am. And these people claim to be my friends. Friends to a degree. But then the test comes. A project that I want to do, that I need support in, and suddenly, who's there? Not those people. People I KNOW are not good people to rely on, whom I shouldn't care about. But people who I'm trying to impress, whose relationship I don't feel confident in, that I'm always behind in coolness, in spunk, in humor, in thinness, in whatever. In ability. In creative skill. In attention.
And then it comes out. ATTENTION. Do I need to be the center of attention? The more I explore this, all the more and louder the young girl inside me is yelling SI SEÑORITA. I don't like this. I don't like that this is a need that I have, harboring deep inside me.
But I guess this is what drives a part of me that is an actor. The part that makes being an actor possible. I want to be seen. To be heard. To be listened to. To be trusted.

But even in the theatre, especially the theatre, recently--I've been feeling less than satisfactory--not making enough waves to be noticed by the right kinds of people AND WHY IS THAT?! I know that these people are not worth my time like this! I know this. And the shittiest part? Most of them are men. Or stupid jealousy of the women who have the attention of the men. I wish it was different, but it's true. And I fucking hate that shit. I fucking hate it.
pardon that, please. it's my angsty teen feminist-- also harboring.
THEY'RE ALL COMING UP TOGETHER in the spring-like weather
because when it rains, it pours, baby.

But why, even after my logical self has gone through the list of people who do trust in me, who do believe in my art, who do support me--DO I STILL CRAVE THE ATTENTION OF THOSE WHO I DO NOT GET IT FROM. WHY. It pisses me off.

even when I say, FORGET you guys; still the little girl is pouting.

And I get mad. In the past, it's lead me to depression. And though I still feel that tug, right now my response is anger and extreme disappointment.

Because you know what? those guys are all immature little dicks.
and I'll be fine without them.
I just, need to figure out how to live past this.